Looking Back At Our Favorite Jesus Movies

Jesus Christ there’s a lot of movies about Jesus Christ! The holy father, or sweet Buddy Christ, as Kevin Smith so accurately coopted in his 1999 irreverent film Dogma, has such a face for movies and TV that he was the subject of one of the first movies ever made: The Life and Passion of Jesus Christ (1902).

And just as soon as there’s a possibility that Hollywood has moved on from the topic, they make a movie like Son of God, to be released nationwide this Friday. While I prefer to view Jesus as some mystical zombie, filmmakers continue to bleed him dry like a Roman Centurion holding a hammer and nails.

While Son of God looks like the first film to accurately portray Jesus with giant holes in his hands, we still thought it would be fun to look back at our favorite Jesus and Jesus-like movies. And by favorite, we mean the easiest to make jokes about. Sorry God.

Dogma

Since we already mentioned Kevin Smith’s shit on organized religion masterpiece, it’s worth mentioning as one of our favorites. Smith, who loves to question and aggravate standard assumptions, makes a religious movie about the possibility that Jesus had descendants, and dealing with saving the world from rampaging angels, while also going through her own religious existential crisis.

All you need to know is that there’s a shit monster, Jay and Silent Bob first let the world know there’s an obvious homoerotic tension between them, George Carlin is the best and most fucked up Cardinal in the history of film, and Alanis Morrisette is God.

Jesus Christ Superstar

Canadian director Norman Jewison adapted Andew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice’s rock opera to the big screen, and all I can say is that it is fabbbbulllous. Watch Jesus sing wonderful songs. Watch Jesus angrily fight with Judas out of love. Watch Jesus try to show his affections with Mary Magadeline. All in the setting that’s equivalent to a 1970’s commercial for hair conditioning.

Life of Brian

The world is full of sheep, and it takes a group of satirist to throw it right in everyone’s face. Life of Brian is such a simple and messed up premise: what if there was a guy that was born in the stable right next to Jesus, and through a series of silly happenings, he somehow gets confused as the savior.

The beauty of Life of Brian is not in it’s statement about the son of God himself, but about the silly, silly people that follow him. Which brings us to the next movie, which is possibly the exact opposite…

The Chronicles of Narnia

How can a film make Jesus look even cooler than he already does? Make him into a Lion. Then, if that wouldn’t push audience member into a church fast enough, how about putting some kids on a fantastical ride to his wonderful land of war and sexy young Princes.

Then again, Eddie Izzard also stars in the movie. Eddie Izzard the cross dressing comedian. Maybe Jesus is a lot more open minded than the churches like to give him credit for. Then again, he also rocked a loin cloth and had a majorly awesome six-pack. I’m not inferring that Jesus was gay or anything, I’m just saying he would’ve been extremely popular in San Francisco dance clubs.

The Last Temptation of Christ

It doesn’t matter what exactly happened in The Last Temptation of Christ, just know that it was a Martin Scorsese directed showdown between Willem Dafoe, who played Jesus, and Harvey Keitel, who played Judas. That’s like having a boxing match between the Where’s The Beef Lady and the old lady from The Goonies. These are two legends of their time going head to head, all under the guise of portraying our Lord and his greatest enemy.

The Passion of the Christ

If Jesus was into S&M, he would definitely be into The Passion of the Christ. There is some serious ass kicking going on here, like the son of God could’ve been a superhero in Kick Ass, except his power would be accepting punishment. Or maybe Passion of the Christ is like Stephen King writes The New Testament. At least director Mel Gibson had enough decency to remind fans that Christ’s death was caused by the Jews.