A Letter To New BMW Owners

Dear New BMW Owner:

Congratulations on the purchase of your new automobile! We’re sure that it will provide you with the utmost in driving pleasure and lifestyle enhancement.

However, we must inform you that there are certain minimum requirements that a BMW customer must meet in order to retain ownership of his or her vehicle. Specifically, as a first time owner, you must take and pass the following classes, offered by your local BMW dealer:

* ARR 101 — Arrogance
A six week course explaining the details of driving habits, posture, clothing, and other details that all lead to the arrogant appearance and demeanor that all BMW owners must present. $800/person

* AGG 101 — Aggressiveness
Six weeks of hands-on experience in tailgating, rapid unsignaled lane changes, speeding, and hard breaking. When you complete this course you’ll be able to merge your car into the tiniest available spot on the freeway and cause everyone around you to know a BMW just entered the road, even if they couldn’t see you at the time. $1000/person

* BUD 101 — Budgeting To Make Your Car Payment
Twelve weeks. $1500/person

If this is a second (or later) BMW, then our requirements include:

* ARR 102 — Arrogance Refresher
Three weeks of refresher course on arrogance. $650/person

* AGG 102 — Aggressiveness Refresher
Three weeks of refresher course on aggressiveness. $850/person

* BUD 102 — Additional Budgeting Skills
12 weeks. This course covers additional budgeting skills including:
* How to buy your teenage child his or her first BMW and still make the payment on your own.
* The home equity loan — your friend.
* Selling your house to pay for your car — you can do it.
* Paying for your BMW owner training classes — yes, you have to.
$1500/person

These classes must be completed successfully during your first 3 months of ownership, or we will be forced to repossess your car.

In addition, we offer other classes that you may be interested in taking. These include:

* LIF 101 — Living Where Other BMW Owners Live
How to find those neighborhoods where your fellow BMW owners already live. Three weeks. $500/person

* MAI 101 — BMW Maintenance
Four weeks. Basic training in how to open your wallet to pay BMW mechanics seven times the going hourly rate to fix your car when it breaks. $750/person

* MAI 201 — Advanced BMW Maintenance
Eight weeks. Admission to this class requires instructor approval. Hypno-therapy to ease the process of opening the wallet of really tough customers.

Please contact your BMW dealer to enroll in your required classes, and in any of the voluntary classes that appeal to you.

Once again, we appreciate your business! Happy Driving!